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Trotter

by Brittain Ashford

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    150g black vinyl. Includes printed insert with lyrics.

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1.
Empty room, my hands were tied for the last time Empty house, my eyes were blind to your light And when I think about it You know it just makes me sick Look, I know that I could’ve done you better And when I think about it You know I’m so full of shit Look, I know that I could’ve done you better Could’ve done you better When I said that I felt unseen You just could not believe me While I was wasting away You had nothing to say And when I think about it Like… how much more could I have given? Look, I know that I could’ve done you better And when I think about it You know I’m so full of shit Look, I know that I could’ve done you better Could’ve done you better I know if I could, I’d do it over I know if I could, I’d do it over For all the good that saying so does me I know if I could, I’d do it over I know if I could, I’d do it over (And when I think about it...) I know if I could, I’d do it over (You know it just makes me sick, look) For all the good that saying so does me (I know I know I know I know) I know if I could, I’d do it over (I know I know I know I know) I know if I could, I’d do it over (And when I think about it…) I know if I could, I’d do it over (You know I’m so full of shit look) For all the good that saying so does me (I know I know I know I know) I know if I could, I’d do it over (I know I know) I'd do it over
2.
For a long time I was stalled Wringing my hands after the final curtain call I didn’t know who I was at all Just needed some time, I wanted a choice I don’t want to fight this My entire sad life I’ve been nothing but cautious And I trusted you too much, we melted our rings While I was waiting in the wings Just needed more time, wanted a choice And I don’t want to fight this My entire damn life I’ve been nothing but cautious What’s it got me? And I trusted you too much, we melted our rings While I was waiting in the wings
3.
The door is open wide You can call me what you like Took me too much time to figure this all out I just wanted you to Hold on tight I know loving me wasn’t always easy My entire life, tried to do it right But I fucked it up completely The house is quiet now You left your keys on the kitchen table With a handful of things Reminders and mementos You got to me I just wanted you to Hold on tight I know loving me wasn’t always easy My entire life I tried to do it right But I fucked this up completely Wish I could write you some brilliant, kiss-off rhyme Implying that I was right the entire time But you were the good one Why couldn’t I say All of the trash I had swimming in my head? I just needed you to Hold on tight I know loving me wasn’t always easy My entire life, tried to do it right But I fucked this up completely My entire life Tried to do it right but I…
4.
Tea Leaves 03:03
We were waiting for summer to come Wondering if and when we might see it again We were waiting for the waters to warm put the kettle on for tea, Find my future in the leaves They say if you go down to the bottom You might find something long forgotten I'm not really sure what I believe They say if you go down to the bottom, You might find something long forgotten Tell me what it is that you see? Was it something that you lost? Was it something that you forgot that you even wanted? Was is something that you fought? Was it something that you got tired of fighting? They say if you go down to the bottom You might find something long forgotten I'm not really sure what I believe They say that you can read your cards Make a chart of all the stars I’m not really sure what I believe They say that you can ask for forgiveness In your heart and you’ll bare witness I’m not really sure what I believe They say if you go down to the bottom, down to the bottom They say if you go down to the bottom, down to the bottom
5.
I was ok for a while, so I’d convinced myself I was ok with the mess that I’d made How else could I keep living? Lights were all on but I was long gone I thought I was convincing I don’t know anymore who I was trying to fool Because I was afraid of what I’d become I didn’t recognize who I was anymore I was busted, I was bleeding And I had stopped believing That I was worthy of your love anymore Love, you changed me Even if I wouldn’t let you save me Because I was afraid of what I’d become I didn’t recognize who I was anymore I was broken, I was grieving And you have to believe me when I say I didn’t think that I was worthy of your love anymore Love, you changed me Even if I wouldn’t let you save me And Love, you changed me For the better Love, I’m sorry It grieves me still Love, you changed me Even if I wouldn’t let you save me
6.
Slow Talk 03:29
If I speak real low in calm and quiet tones Would you hear me? Could you hear me? If I talk real slow Question what it is to know Anything at all Stay with me Stay with me I don't know what I’m gonna do without you I like it best in the morning With the dark and the cold When the day just breaking Feel the weight in my bones Am I talking to myself? I often do While I’m looking for answers Picking up on the cues Stay with me Stay with me I don't know what I’m gonna do without you Stay with me Stay with me I don't know what I’m gonna do without you Stay with me Please, stay with me
7.
I can smell the ocean from where we are I can hear the beating still of your heart Your heart It’s the click click click of the camera My arm out the window Your eyes in the rearview This is how I want to remember you: As we drove up the One With one hand in your lap With the windows rolled down And the sun at our backs I’ll hold that close And let you go To the saints of the coast Captured on your father’s film In the fading light Your grandmother behind the lens Your family at your side As I drove up the One I thought about that With the windows rolled down And the sun at my back I’ll hold that close And let you go To the saints of the coast I’ll hold you close and let you go I’ll hold you close and let you go I’ll hold you close and let you go To the saints of the coast
8.
Sometimes, when it’s quiet I find my back To the streets I used to walk as soon as I knew how Until I was no longer able I’m sorry that I left I was just doing what I thought I had to do And I know I can’t go home I am an orphan at your door I am an orphan at your door And I stayed away too long I didn’t realize It all goes on without me there So open the windows Let the air in Open the windows And breathe again Sometimes when I sleep I have those dreams that you’re still here In the house where you grew up In that house where we grew up But the rooms, they are all empty And the walls they are all bare I’m sorry that I left, I was just doing what I thought you would have wanted me to do And I know I can’t go home I am an orphan at your door I am an orphan at your door I stayed away too long I didn’t realize It all goes on without me there And I’m sorry that I left I’m sorry that I left I’m sorry that I left you I know I can’t go home I know I can’t go home I know I can’t go home again
9.
Scarlet runners in the garden That you planted for me Well, it’s nearly November, Little seedlings should have come up in the spring Winter will soon be here I fear my heart will explode I love you dear, clearly, much more than you will ever know Too late to say it now Wipe the dirt from my hands And the sweat from your brow Soon I’ll be leaving here, grieving for what I’ve done I love you dear, clearly but now all of the seeds have been sewn Scattered to the wind
10.
The Sway 02:58
Golden grass in the breeze, singing to me A melody I used to know Close my eyes, wonder if it’s ever enough to Live your life in the simple sway of it To know the truth and be ok with it Hold it in your hands and walk away from it I walked away Summer sun bleeding out to the horizon Sacrifice we’ve all witnessed before Close my eyes, wonder if it’s ever enough to Cast your shadow in the simple sway of it To know the truth and be ok with it Hold it in your hands and walk away from it I walked away I know the truth and I’m ok with it Held it in my hands and walked away from it Fingernails caked with dirt, for whatever any of it’s worth Anything good in me came from you Close my eyes, wonder if it’s ever enough to Live my life just for the sake of it? For the sake of it In the sway of it
11.
I was sober for a minute Tried to put my heart in it I wanted to get better Didn’t get better, but I tried It’s on days like this I miss you more than I thought I could It’s on days like this I wander alone, lost in the world Where do we go when we leave this place? Where do we go when we leave this place? Where do we go when we leave this place? I wish that I were the kind of believer So that I might see your face again Now and then I stop myself when something reminds me (Most things remind me of the space you used to fill) Where do we go when we leave this place? Where do we go when we leave this place? Where do we go when we leave this place? I think of you in the dining room The green ink on the page of the papers that you graded You said it was “kinder on the eyes” I think of you, Summer Sunday after afternoon The rhythm of the blade as you mowed the lawn And sang a song to yourself Where do we go when we leave this place? Where do we go when we leave this place? Where do we go when we leave this place? I don’t know

about

An unblinking meditation on grief and regret with a touch of optimism.

Ashford herself has said that the album is centered around, “finality and making regrettable decisions” but singles “Could’ve Done You Better” and “Hold On Tight” approach these “regrettable” choices with bounce and ease.

Having grown up in Seattle, Brittain Ashford now resides in Brooklyn.

***Praise for TROTTER***

"Profoundly moving…”
- Last Day Deaf

"Beautifully orchestrated and utterly exposed, it’s a raw reckoning of visceral emotion."
- Atwood Magazine

"… a mystical middle ground... Profoundly moving but never maudlin..."
- AnalogueTrash

“beguilingly rich”
- Various Small Flames

“captivating”
- Obscure Sound

“hauntingly beautiful”
- UpToHear

credits

released May 19, 2023

Produced by Mark Robertson, bass/strings/guitar/aux vox (Harlowe, Hamptone electronics)

Alec Speigleman, clarinet/flute (Cuddle Magic, Lake Street Dive)

Daniel Hunt, percussion/drums (Neko Case, Ages and Ages)

Weezy Ford, aux vox (The Barbaras)

Drew Cooper, guitar (Hunny Ten)

Bob Reynolds, drums/percussion (Lorain)

Sean Ogilvie, additional tracking (Musée Mécanique)

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Brittain Ashford Brooklyn, New York

Sad songs, etc.

See also:
Prairie Empire

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